


Sherlock's Enemy List

by Theluminousfisheffect



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: crackish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-07-09
Packaged: 2018-02-08 04:05:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1926066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theluminousfisheffect/pseuds/Theluminousfisheffect
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While John was cleaning up Baker Street, he stumbled upon Sherlock's enemy list with some surprising entries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sherlock's Enemy List

**Author's Note:**

> For the purposes of this fic, any comments/texts in bold are John's. Italics are Sherlock's.

John had had enough. He stared determinedly at the mess of books, sheets, chemical analyses of crime scenes, the microscope, Petri dishes and vials scattered across the entire kitchen table of Baker Street. He couldn't see the dark mahogany of the wood through the clutter - he wasn't even sure if he remembered what colour the table was anymore.

Sherlock was at the morgue, conducting analysis on one of the victims and John was adamant that the table would be clean enough to eat his dinner on by the time Sherlock returned. He just didn't know where to start.

He began tidying the books into neat piles. Once they were stacked, he began sorting through the sheets, trying to find some sort of logical way to file them until Sherlock could deal with them.

He lifted a whole pile of sheets and began sorting them when one of the sheets caught his eye. It was scrawled untidily but it was undoubtedly Sherlock's handwriting. It was a list of names.

John stared at it for a moment, holding it under the light as he studied it. What the hell was it?

He racked his brain as his eyes scanned down the page and there was only one logical conclusion left by the time he reached the end.  
It was an enemy list. It must be, judging by the names on it.

John almost laughed at it; Sherlock's logic in creating an actual enemy list was laughable but some of the names on it stopped the laugh in his throat. And the order of the names was almost worse.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone to text Sherlock.

**I found your enemy list. It's a little...different than I would have expected.**

He examined the list confusedly, sitting at the table, resting his head on one hand as he waited for a reaction from his flatmate.

His phone buzzed, dancing across the table. He grabbed it and read the text.

All it said was,

_Where did you find that?_

John chuckled and rolled his eyes. Of course the first thing Sherlock would worry about was his own privacy. For a man who respected no one else's, he expected a lot of privacy when it came to his own personal affairs.

**On the kitchen table. Is Anderson really your number one enemy?**

_The man is an idiot._

John could hear the disgust even through the text. He actually imagined the eye roll as he read the message.

**Okay, but is being an idiot really a valid reason to be your top enemy?**

John asked.

_Yes._

John's blood began to boil as he read the next entry. It simply said American CIA agents. The ones who had been going to shoot him and then held Mrs Hudson as a hostage in their apartment. As the memories flooded back to John, he found himself wishing Sherlock had dropped him out of the window just once more.

He texted Sherlock back, angrily tapping the keys on his phone.

**I agree with number two. The CIA agents. But they're the first proper enemy you have. Shouldn't they be higher? I mean, you hated them.**

John thought about just how furious Sherlock had been with them after they had kidnapped Mrs Hudson. He remembered how utterly calm Sherlock had been as he pointed the gun towards the man strapped to the chair and how terrifying it had been. Sherlock had been so cool and collected like a predator toying with its prey. His eyes trailed back up the list and he wondered how much he must hate Anderson if he was higher than those agents.

_I did and I still do but I evened out the odds against that moron, don't you think?_

John could feel the serene anger in Sherlock's text and even through the phone, it made him uncomfortable. 'Better move on,' he thought to himself.

 **And why the hell is Mary number three?** John demanded. He was not happy with his fiancée being on the list at all, never mind being third on it.

_Leave it, John._

**Tell me why my fiancée is third on the list!**

He wanted a proper explanation for it but Sherlock didn't seem prepared to give him one.

 _Just put the list back. You won't understand it._ came the reply.

**I think I'm quite capable. Okay, I understand that you didn't like fear that time in Baskerville but did you really need to write fear and doubt as number four? I thought this was an actual enemy list.**

John smiled as he sent the text. He was starting to enjoy this. He was curious to know Sherlock's logic behind the placing of each 'enemy' on the list. He idly lifted a pen and began scrawling comments beside each of the names, grinning. He wondered if Sherlock would mind and then decided he didn't really care. If it was that private, it shouldn't have been sprawled on the kitchen table.

_It's my list._

**And then Donovan as number five?**

_Sally and I don't see eye to eye._

**You mean she calls you a freak and you think she's annoying?**

_Pretty much._

He returned to the list and if John had been angry at the CIA agents, then now he was furious. The next entry was Kitty Riley; that pompous reporter who had printed the story that Moriarty wasn't real and that Sherlock was a fake. John clenched his fists, crumpling the edges of the paper.  
 **Kitty Riley, agree but should be higher.**

was all he sent in reply.

_She repels me but she was proven wrong in the end, but I wouldn't put it past her to try and pull something like it again. But that's not my priority. She stays where she is._

John didn't agree with Sherlock on that but it wasn't his list so he decided to move on before he ripped the page in his anger.

He hesitated as he read the next name. It didn't mean anything to him.

**Sebastian Moran?**

He sent the question to Sherlock and got a blunt reply.

_Henchman. Never mind him._

John continued to stare at the name, racking his brain for an answer or a connection but he kept drawing blanks. Whoever this man was, he must have never met him.

John laughed as he read the next name. It was Mycroft. He remembered the first time he had met Sherlock's brother, Mycroft had introduced himself as Sherlock's 'arch enemy.' John hadn't believed that people had arch enemies and now here he was, reading his flatmate's enemy list and after Mycroft had given all of that information to Moriarty and almost ended his little brother's life, John found himself agreeing that Mycroft Holmes belonged on the list. He was just a little surprised that he wasn't higher up the list.

**Why isn't Mycroft higher up? I thought he was your 'arch enemy'?**

_He's annoying and over bearing and he is my arch enemy, but I have more than one and some of them rank higher than him whether you believe it or not._ Sherlock explained. _Are you going to comment on each one of them? I'm trying to work._

 **Yeah, I figured it's my turn to annoy you.** John quipped jokingly. **Mr Berwick? Was he the one in Belarus?**

_Yes, Minsk._

**Why is he there?**

_He had atrocious grammar. It was infuriating._

John dropped his head back to look the ceiling in disbelief. He shook his head disapprovingly as he replied.

**You have a man on your list solely because he had bad grammar?**

_His was particularly bad._ was the only explanation John received.

The next entry simply read Cabbie. John didn't need any explanation for this one. He remembered the very first case he had worked with Sherlock and the cabbie who had poisoned everyone with pills. He would never forget watching through the window as Sherlock brought the pill towards his lips...

**Agree with the cabbie, but isn't it moot to have a dead guy on the list?**

_Still an enemy._

**Fine, whatever you want. Are the Buckingham Palace guards on here because they told you to put clothes on and brought you sort of against your will to the Palace?**

_Exactly._

**You have people on here because they told you to get dressed? Have I mentioned how childish this is?**

_Then why are you reading it and commenting on each one of them?_

John didn't really have an answer for that.

 **Okay, so I'm a kid too** , he conceded. **I agree with Golem and Zhi Zhu too** , he added, thinking of the Golem's hands wrapped around Sherlock's neck and Soo Lin after Zhi Zhu had murdered her. **But again, shouldn't the actual bad guys be higher up?**

_No._

John rolled his eyes and then sighed exasperatedly as he read the next name.

**Why is Sarah on here?**

_She was annoying and she interrupted my thinking._

**She helped you find the cipher.** John argued.

_I would have found it myself and sooner if she hadn't interrupted me._

**And Jeanette is next?**

_She was a boring teacher and she got very upset when I didn't remember her name._

**That's a perfectly acceptable response, Sherlock.**

_I don't care. She stays._

**Major Barrymore also made the list then?** John asked, half-smiling. He remembered the man as being very military - he liked order and rules and that obviously hadn't rubbed off well on the consulting detective.

_Again, annoying and patronising._

**But not exactly an enemy.**

_I told you that you wouldn't understand it. Are you quite done yet?_

**Almost, just a few more. Shan is next? I had forgotten about her. You're still annoyed that she got away, aren't you?**

Sherlock evaded the last question but answered with

_An example of your placid mind._

John sighed and moved on. He wasn't going to grace that with a response.

The next enemy was the judge, obviously the one from Moriarty's trial. John laughed out loud as he read the name. Of course Sherlock would be pissed with him. He had locked Sherlock in a cell for 'displaying his intellectual prowess' a little too much. Obviously, Sherlock would make an enemy out of anyone who wouldn't let him show off.

**I did warn you not to be a smart ass in that trial. It's really not the judge's fault.**

_Oh, shut up. He was upset that I wouldn't kneel to his regime._

**Sherlock, it is the law.**

_More of those law things. Anyway, he's low down the list._

John bit the inside of his lip as he read the next name. Sebastian Wilkes - The Heartless Bastard. The banker who had told them to ignore the blatant murder case, well from Sherlock's point of view anyway, because that wasn't the job he had hired Sherlock for.

**Sebastian Wilkes. Good one.**

_Oh, so you actually agree with that one?_

The sarcasm could be felt through the text.

**Yeah, surprisingly.**

John rubbed his forehead tiredly as he read the next entry.

**Inferior minds, Sherlock? You can't make enemies out of people because they don't live up to your standards of genius.**

_It's annoying and why I don't associate with most people. Now leave it alone, John._

**Do I come under that heading then?**

_No, it means trivial people who only live for gossip and fill their heads with all kinds of rubbish. You know the kind of people._

John exhaled deeply but decided not to argue. At least it wasn't just everyone who wasn't as smart as Sherlock that fell under that heading, otherwise nearly everyone would be an enemy. His eyes trailed to the last name and he shook his head disbelievingly.

**Sherlock, why the hell is Moriarty bottom of the list?!**

_Because while he was what you would term an actual bad guy, he was interesting. His puzzles were a distraction and he was a worthy opponent. So he's at the bottom._

**Sherlock, he killed people!**

_That makes him more of an enemy to them, not to me._

**Never mind. Oh and I hope you don't mind but I've been adding comments to each name as I read through them.**

_John! I told you to leave it alone! What did you do?_

**I just commented on each one. Don't worry, I put in some of your comments too. I was just explaining it a bit better. I'll send you the updated version.**

John waited a few minutes and when he didn't get another angry text from Sherlock, he decided that he must have piqued his curiosity and that it was safe enough to continue. He typed out the list and comments quickly and hit send.

 **Sherlock's enemy list:**  
 _Anderson - idiot._  
 _CIA agents -_ **people who attacked Mrs Hudson.**  
 _Mary_ \- **John's fiancée. Why is she here?** _Just leave it, John._  
 _Fear/doubt -_ **not an actual enemy.** _It's my list._  
 _Sally Donovan - annoying police woman._  
 _Kitty Riley - You. Repel. Me._ **Agreed**.  
 _Sebastian Moran_ \- **who?** _Henchman. Forget him._  
 _Mycroft - brother/arch enemy_ **/Queen.**  
 _Mr Berwick_ \- _atrocious grammar_. **Must have been awful.**  
 _Cabbie_ \- **dead proper genius.**  
 _Buckingham Palace guards_ \- **for telling you to get dressed**. _Shut up_.  
 _Golem/Zhi Zhu_ \- **stranglers.**  
 _Sarah_ \- **John's girlfriend. Again, no reason to be here**. _Annoying, now leave it._  
 _Jeanette_ - **John's girlfriend. Also shouldn't be here**. _Boring teacher._  
 _Major Barrymore_ \- **more like Major Maggie**.  
 _Shan_ \- **I'd forgotten about her**. _You and your placid mind._  
 _The Judge_ \- **Mister Holmes. I did warn you.** _Shut up._  
 _Sebastian Wilkes_ \- **The Heartless Bastard/banker.**  
 _Inferior Minds_ \- **people who like gossip?** _People who fill their heads with nothing but trivial nonsense_.  
 _Moriarty_ \- **the actual bad guy** _/criminal mastermind/spider at the centre of a web._ **Should be higher**. _Interesting distraction_.  
 **There. What do you think?**

_I suppose it's fine. Did you really have to comment on it?_

John grinned to himself.

**Yes. Yes, I did.**


End file.
